Genie

Gusto ko tumambay sa dalampasigan, mag-abang ng boteng lumulutang at umaasang sa aking paghimas ay me lumabas na genie. Kaso ano ba ang hihilingin ko? Ang bumalik sa akin ang taong mahal ko o tuluyan ko na lang siyang makalimutan? Ang sarap isama at ipaanod sa dagat ang mga alaalang pinagsamahan, kung kaya mong ibaon na lang ang sakit, kung kaya mong paliparin sa hangin ang lahat ng hirap – noon mo pa ginawa.

Ang pag-ibig at hiwalayan ay hindi tulad ng sa ilaw na turn on at turn off lang e ayos na. Bakit ba ang dami pang kumplikasyon, bakit kung kelan mo gusto makalimutan e doon mo pa mas naaalala, kung kelan ka umuusad minsan doon mo pa mas mararamdaman iyong pagmamahal na natira, teka, nauubos nga ba ang pag-ibig?

Hindi ko rin siguro masasabi.

Wala naman eksaktong formula para malaman mo kung kelan darating at kelan mawawala. Hindi ka rin sigurado sa lahat, maaaring masayang-masaya kayo ngayon pero bigla na lang makararamdam ng pagkukulang. Lahat naman merong pagkukulang – lahat naman laging me hindi kasiguruhan. Emotions are always unstable. Walang pinal na desisyon ang emosyon, lahat maaaring magbago sa bawat pintig ng relo.

Ang dami ng kwentong naisulat tungkol sa pag-ibig, madalas paulit-ulit ngunit bakit walang natututo? Bakit nasasaktan pa rin tayo? Human nature. Kung makakaimbento lang sana ako ng gamot na magpapagaling sa mga nasaktan sa pag-ibig e ako na ang pinakamayamang tao sa buong mundo – dahil lahat malamang e naranasan masaktan.

Balance lang ang mundo. Kelanman hindi ito naging unfair. Tao ang unfair. Wala ring batas ang pag-ibig, hindi mo rin ito kontrolado, hindi mo hawak kung kanino ‘to uusbong.

Uulitin ko ang tanong ko kanina, kapag binigyan ka ng isang kahilingan ng genie at ang pagpipilian ay kung babalik ba sa’yo ang taong mahal mo o tuluyan mo na lang siyang makalimutan, ano ang pipiliin mo?

Ako?

Tatakbuhan ko ang genie, ayokong me makialam sa nararamdaman ko –ayokong me ibang elementong pipigil sa sakit na nasa dibdib ko. Hindi ko hihilingin na bumalik siya sakin sa takot kong magkasakitan kami ulit, at hindi ko rin hihilingin na makalimutan siya sapagkat hindi siya karapat-dapat kalimutan.

Takot akong makita siya. Takot akong malaman na mahal ko pa siya. Ano pa nga bang mangyayari kong malaman kong mahal ko pa rin siya? Wala akong ideya. Marahil sasabihin mong bakit ‘di ko subukan. Bakit hindi ko harapin ang takot ko, na paano ko malalaman ang mga sagot sa tanong ko kung hindi ko bibigyan ng pagkakataon masagot ang mga ito. Madaling sabihin – kay hirap gawin. Walang madali sa pag-ibig, lahat kelangan ng kumplikasyon. Lahat kelangan ng pagsisisi.

Oo nga’t marami rin naman nagtatagumpay, umaabot ang pagsasama na ke tagal, ‘yong mga successful sa kanilang one true love. Hindi iyon madali. Minsan, kelangan na lang natin mag-settle, kung sino iyong kapalagayan mo ng loob e ayos na, hindi natin nakukuha madalas iyong taong minahal natin ng sobra bagkus ang darating sa’tin e iyong mga taong handang magtama ng ating pagkakamali mula sa lumipas na pag-ibig.

Hindi nawawala ang nakaraang pag-ibig natatakpan na lamang ito ng panibagong pag-ibig.

Masasabi kong ang pinakamasakit na pamamaalam e iyong nagpapasalamat kayo sa isat-isa. Mas ayos sana iyong nagsumbatan na lang kayo ng mga pagkakamali para mas me dahilan na kalimutan na lang ang lahat, pero ang pamamaalam na binuo pa rin ng natitirang pagmamahal ang pinakamahirap tanggapin ngunit kelangan.

Kahit anong iwas ko na sumagi siya sa isipan ko e hindi ko magawa. Minsan akala ko wala na – magugulat na lang ako na andun pa pala. Noong una, akala ko kaya ko – nagkamali pala ko. Maari mong pagurin ang iyong sarili sa kung ano-ano pero mahirap iyong dumating ka sa oras o pagkakataon na matutulala ka na lang habang kinakain ka nang mga masasaya at masasakit na alaala. Ano kaya ang gagawin mo?

Ang humarap sa mundo at ipakitang hindi ka nasaktan o harapin siya at sabihin mong nasasaktan ka? Kung sinabi mo man, kaya ba nitong pawiin ang sakit? Kaya ba nitong burahin ang lahat? Masakit din ang magpanggap na wala lang sa’yo ang lahat. Empty words and laughter. Kung sino pa iyong sa tingin mong matigas siya pa pala ang malambot deep inside.

Lagi kong sinasabing mapapagod din ako, na kapag sobrang pagod na ay mawawala na lang basta – e hindi pala. Hindi ako magpapanggap na hindi ako umiiyak sa gabi at kusa na lang hahapdi ang mga mata hanggang sa makatulog na ako ng tuluyan, tulog lang nakawawala ng sakit minsan. Ngunit paggising mo sa ayaw at sa gusto kelangan mong tumayo, umusad, at humarap sa mga panibagong posibilidad. Posibilidad na maging ayos ang lahat.

Madalas sa’king dasal sinasabi ko na, Diyos ko, sana kunin mo na lang lahat ng sakit – ayoko na nito. Pero bakit hindi Niya kinukuha agad? Siguro, gusto rin Niya na matuto tayo. Gusto Niya marahil iparamdam na hindi madali ang pagbangon.

Kung siya kaya ang tanungin ng genie? Ano pipiliin niya? Ang bumalik sa’kin o tuluyan akong makalimutan?

Poignant

parted pieces forcely
pasted hanging in the horizon
scenes, oh please vanish
wrecking the bliss that
for long - indefinite time
i did establish

gone are the phases
when kisses are sweet melodies
graceful sway of lips
now, bitter days
easy to remember - hard to forget

i

tell me in pleasant words
and break it like clock leers
our faded music

Bryan (a eulogy)

“Salamat Pare at ingat!” those were his last words when we talked night of All Saints’ Day.

Morning of November 6, 2013 when I received a call from one of my childhood friends delivering the sad news about Bryan’s untimely departure. It was really devastating, I can barely move to where I was standing that moment. Thoughts were flying in and out of my consciousness.

As I entered their peaceful home to visit his wake, his Nanay hugged and cried out loud upon seeing me, and my heart tormented in a sudden. I can’t believe it myself that he was already gone. As his Nanay screamed at his corpse telling him to stand up, and open his eyes cause I was there. Pain struck in my chest when she said that I was one of the last persons he kept on mentioning before he passed away. Tears were falling not only in our eyes but also deeply in our hearts. I can’t utter even a single word. Memories were flashing, and great stories about him were being brought up.

“Sayang, ang bata pa niya.”

“Wala kang masamang masasabi sa kanya.”

“Masyado pang maaga para sa isang mabuting bata.”

“Mabuting kaibigan.”

“Masayahing tao.”

I heard those praises above more than I could imagine. I sat down beside Nanay Diang, and listened to the best stories ever told about him.

“Anak, ni minsan hindi ako tinaasan ng boses niyan, ni minsan hindi niya ako hinayaang mag-alala sa kanya.”

I felt her grief.

“Lagi niya sinasabi na kahit hindi kami ang tunay niyang magulang, e lubos siyang nagpapasalamat at may mga taong tulad namin na nag-alaga sa kanya.”

Yes, you read it right. Bryan was about 5 months old when he was “adopted” by Nanay Diang and Tatay Erning, but they treated him as their own son. And truly, I commend my friend for being so proud and grateful for having parents like them. He told me once, “kahit hindi nila ako kaano-ano, minahal nila ako.” Whenever somebody asked him, “Sino mga magulang mo?” without any doubt he’ll say, “Nanay Diang and Tatay Erning.” He’s caring, loving, sweet and respectful to his parents.

“Hindi na niya sinabi na nahihirapan na siya sa sakit niya – na nasasaktan na pala siya. Kapag tinatanong ko siya, lagi niyang sagot, “Huwag niyo po ako isipin, ayos lang ako, huwag po kayong mag-alala sakin, Nay at Tay.”

I salute you brother, you’re so selfless! He doesn’t like to see them worrying about his condition.

“Noong Sabado (November 2, 2013) napansin ko na humina siya kumain, sinabi ko iyon, pero pilit niyang sinabi na ayos lang siya at huwag namin siyang alalahanin. Biro niya nga, ganoon talaga kapag guwapo.”

Tears were running down as Nanay Diang continued everything. Bryan was a man filled with humor. Nanay Diang was doing the laundry, he sneaked and secretly put coins on her nape, then he’ll say, “Nanay, ang yaman mo naman at ang pawis mo e barya!” then he’ll laugh at the top of his lungs.

“Kumakain kami bago namin kunin iyong bangkay niya, tapos bigla ako nakaramdam na parang may makati sa bandang dibdib ko, nang hinawakan ko, may limang pisong barya. Naligo naman ako at nagpalit ng damit, biniro na naman ako ng kaibigan mo.”

I smiled, then glimpsed at his coffin, and whispered, “kahit kailan talaga.” Reminiscing our times together made me happy and sad. When we were younger, he often sleeps at our place. He’s been my younger brother. And as I realized now, he was my first student! He asked me if I could teach him how to play basketball, computer games, and other stuffs usually done by brothers. He was also the only friend who I entrusted my money, phone, and other personal belongings. I don’t know why, but he never said no in any of my requests, and in return I did the same thing. After high school, we parted ways, notwithstanding, we never lost communication. Every vacation he would stay in front of our house waiting for me to arrive, and with that I even labelled him as my royal guard. Indeed, he’s a friend who keeps you from getting into trouble. We had this tete-a-tete moment last October 11, 2013 which I wrote as a blog entry. He revealed everything about his real identity – the things he found out about himself. Hey, he’s not a superhero, wesen, or something else; he told me about his biological parents and how he discovered the “truth” regarding them.

Then few days before he passed away, he had left me with truly unforgettable memories. As usual, we’re like conjoined twins again, inseparable! He was my companion when I took care of my Dad’s grave. The cemetery was too crowded, you need to step and jump to other graves, hang like apes into mausoleums, and climb over storeys of apartments to reach your destination, come on, it’s a maze! He was feeling weak, I asked him to just rest but he insisted to go forward, I carried him at my back. We were laughing really hard, “Para tayong mga bata.” he uttered. I never thought it would be the last time that I’ll carry him. After our hilarious grave trekking, I invited him to have his lunch at home, and again, he didn’t say no. We enjoyed that day. He asked me if he could borrow 50 pesos, cause he’d go somewhere to meet someone, I handed him 500, and told him to just return the change later.

“Nagastos niya iyong iba, sinabi niya sakin iyon na nahihiya na raw siya sa’yo pero noong sinabi mo raw na ayos lang e hindi na niya makalimutan at paulit-ulit na niyang kwinento sakin.”

It was nothing in my part, as I told earlier; he’s one of my most trusted friends! He was reiterating that I must wait and prepare until he’s well enough to drink and we’ll get drunk! “Hintayin mo sa December pare, gusto ko iyong lasingin mo ko, one on one tayo.” Night of November 1, 2013, I was drinking with my brother and cousins when approached me.

“Iwan mo na lang iyong jersey mo.”

“Marumi pa pare.”

“Kahit na, isusuot ko pa rin yan!”

“o sige, basta ingatan mo.”

“Salamat Pare at ingat.”

“Sinuot niya agad iyong bigay mo, lagi niya pang tinitignan sa salamin kung bagay nga ba sa kanya. At bago siya mawala, isa ka sa lagi niyang tinatanong.”

If you see key! Why did you leave us this way, pare? You turned our world upside down! You unexpectedly made us all mourning! They say I was a great influence in your life, they’re wrong; you were a greater influence in my life! Words truly meant, pare!

Hanggang sa huli, ‘di ka pa rin nakalimot, asahan mo tol, habang buhay kitang babaunin! Hindi kita mamimiss, kasi alam ko, tulad ng dati, lagi kang nasa aking tabi! Alam ng lahat kung gaano ka kabuting tao, kung gaano ka magmahal bilang anak, at gaano ka makisama bilang kaibigan. Hindi ka man namin makakasama sa tagayan, hindi ka naman makakalimutan sa kwentuhan. You left us with lots of amazing memories, tindi mo! Nahihirapan pa ko magkwento ngayon kasi gulat pa rin ako sa lahat ng pangyayari, but time will come, ikaw ang bida at bangka sa usapan!

I’ll tell the world how great son, brother, friend, and person you were! Inar-aro ta ka pre! You’re more than a friend, and a brother! Cheers! Rest in Peace!

I’ll end this simple eulogy with your words.

“Salamat Pare at ingat!”

Dagupan Bus 71751

motionless eyes on a coach's window
soundless cars passing
neon lights engulfing darkness
it breaks deep within
but where is it coming?

that i cannot answer

curtain covers this glass
embrace my fragile heart
conceal its cracks
like blush on in her cheeks
to dry the tears

hard it is to stay calm
when something undefined
gnaws you inside

i ought to smile

i am tired.

22 Epiphanies

On my 22^nd birthday it is rightful for me to share the 22 truths that I discovered. It is indeed fun to experience a discovery learning. My epiphanies may not be the same as yours, but I think we still share a universal knowledge that one must relate to the other.

1. All babies are cute but the cuteness stops when they turn 22.

2. Tokwa't baboy in a restaurant's menu actually means Tokwa't tofu or Tokwa't tokwa.

3. Traffic gets worse if a traffic enforcer is present.

4. If you were cheating with your girlfriend don't you worry; she's cheating with you, too.

5. My childhood boy friends are now husbands and fathers. How sweet - I'm single.

6. Barcadi and redhorse cause two days of hangover.

7. The "best" suffering in life is being broke and brokenhearted at the same time.

8. Love is the most misuse and abuse word.

9. Only the Little Prince knows what the fox says.

10. Most male fans of One Direction and KPop are sexually confused.

11. My weakness is boyish type women.

12. Doing the laundry, ironing, and teaching are very masculine jobs.

13. Teaching is not a profession; it is a sacrifice.

14. Teenage loveteams in television series increase the statistics of teenage pregnancy.

15. The term "tambay" means "i don't have a job yet i can afford to drink, gamble, and enjoy life."

16. Posting a picture showing some "skin" with deep sounding inspirational qoutations makes you more annoying and irritating than inspiring.

17. Hanging out with friends in a WiFi(ed) zone lets you talk less and post more.#imissmyfriends #nicetalking #funfunfun #morelikes #werefamous #werecool

18. Losing weight, getting healthier, and working harder are the most common new year's resolutions and lies.

19. Letter K is the common denominator of most of my ex-girlfriends slash "weaknesses" slash "sins."

20. I graduated college without purchasing pen for myself. Thanks dear classmates.

21. World is fair. You're not.

22. The best feeling of hug is the one after sex.

Spaces Between Our Closeness

long itineraries make me feel

i

am

alone

sitting beside a person
i don't know
with words muffled

i

was saddened

she doesn't know me either
she sits adjacent
Is she dejected as well?
Or was

i

the

only

one

who dare cares?

Playing Verses

verses cannot compensate
the bliss

you cracked bones in your fingers
your loud
the imperfections are perfect

be the head resting in my shoulder
be the eyes looking inside me
let my love take your heart

breathing in
the silence that you
breathe out

you and i
solitary moon lovers
tied in arms that night
as chests collided
came no plights

to where is this going?
that, i am waiting
for the fate is dancing
is that our song playing?

my dear
listen

Princess

Being a teacher is tiring yet fulfilling. I was so lucky to have students that are really sweet and amazing. One of them is Princess Annika P. Yamashita. I am very thankful that I met her. She thinks that I influence her a lot, but to tell you the truth, she influences me more. I will miss this young lady.

The letter goes this way:

Dear Teacher DM,

Thank you for giving us your best even dothough (though) we are so Noisy and if your (you're) sick you allwaste (always) go to shool (school) Thank you for being The best Theacher (teacher) ever and Thank you (for) making us happy wen (when) we feell (feel) sad God please guide Teacher DM and Let He's (his) Dream come True

-Annika

See? I feel so blessed! It is just so sad that I must leave them for some reasons. My respect and gratitude will always be with my students.